Scully

Dear Bert,

This latest painting of Estar's, I just can't stop thinking about it. The door opening, gods, the feeling inside me when I think about that door opening.

It's a way out for me, but what is it for her? Why does she need to disappear into her own head to find a life that she can bear living? Every time I see the damn thing on the wall I want to cry, and I want to find Estar and hug her hard before she goes away. Because she's probably going for good, you know? Or certainly the Estar that I know now. Whoever she is when she comes out, she won't be the same. How could she be?

I won't hug her, I don't actually want a trip to the clinic right now. But I will miss her so, so much. I don't know if that's sad or just pathetic. Maybe I need to get out more, you know? But where, how, with whom? To do what? Solitaire is my home, but shouldn't home be a place you come back to sometimes, not just a place you always are?

When it's my turn, when the door opens for me, where will I be?

Dear Bert,

Estar came in yesterday to work on a new panel.  I was going to send her home at closing, but I found her asleep in a nest of dishtowels in the supply closet, so I just left her there.  She was back at work when I came down this morning.  She ignored me, she always does when she's working, but there was coffee and a fruit salad waiting on the counter. 

And the work is pretty amazing.  It's a woman with a door where her face should be.  She's raised one hand to open the door.  Behind it--inside it--I'm not sure how to talk about it, but anyway, it's a plain with figure walking toward a tree in the distance, under a huge sky with a giant moon.  Even though it's a small painting, that place inside her head feels like it goes on and on....

She finished it and gathered her things and I realized she was crying.  She gave me a hug and left paint all over me.

Wouldn't it be strange if she became human again?

Dear Bert,

So it seems like it's working out having Jackal here.  I wasn't sure it would, she can be pretty bossy sometimes--I guess you never really get over being an Important Person.  But she knows how to take no for an answer.  And it's nice having someone to talk to.

This thing about VC, this door thing, I can't stop thinking about it.  I don't know whether to cry or throw a party. 

I think she's here, we gotta open up.  More later.